Doing What Needed To Be Done
During my morning reflection, I pulled a card from my Soul Truth Self-Awareness Card Deck and the question read “Am I Apologizing For My Truth?”
Honestly speaking, I had been apologizing- shrinking myself and my truth out of the fear of rejection for years. Last night my “Twitter fingers” transformed into machetes (my December 21st Super Power) and I found the courage to do what I’ve always wanted to do. This may seem silly to you but in actuality, it is something quite a few of us struggle with, especially when you have abandonment issues. Especially when you know taking minimal action for yourself could possibly rock the boat for others. Especially if you’re tired of everybody, even those closest to you but don’t have the slightest energy to care to explain.
I blocked and/or removed almost everyone from my Instagram account.
Well, prior to deactivating it all together. I have a back-up account that I am trying to establish a brand with, but I removed a majority of people I followed on my personal account from there, as well.
I know there are people who don’t live on social media or spend extreme hours of the day double-tapping every picture they scroll past. However, when you notice a trend of love & praise on other’s accounts from those who do and none on yours from “friends”, they seem more like spectators. In the world of screenshots and terrible group chats (some I’ve been a part of), I’m too paranoid to allow just any ol’ body access to my online presence, especially if I’m being ignored.
In the words of Sister Mary Caresha of The City Girls Cathedral:
“ion like dat.”
I’m human. I know I’m beautiful but I’m also not vain. I don’t have bikini photos or a thousand selfies, but I over-use the hell out of my IG stories. I love the temporary engagement and if you’re my friend but don’t engage with me and with everyone else, then why are you following me? I’m not asking for daily validation or approval. I am questioning the lack of exchange, altogether when I am quite aware of your habitual presence on mutual friends accounts. It is not owed to me but if it is not reciprocal, then again…in the words of Sister Mary Joseline Hernandez of Love & Hip Hop Cathedral:
“Hoe, why is you here?”
Now, I am well aware that in today’s social media climate that a removal, unfollow, unfriend, or block is considered the kiss of death with people you know in real life. Take any of those actions and it is automatic beef! The “favor” is returned out of pettiness and you are never spoken of again. And we all know the “mute” button was created to keep wars from starting.
After I did a major purge, I contemplated whether I should contact everyone via text and explain my decision. That’s the people-pleaser in me trying to do damage control to keep the peace. However, if it’s automatically assumed that my decision to remove your online persona is a threat to our friendship, did we have a real one in the first place? What holds weight the most, in my case, is that a majority won’t even know my presence is gone. I’ve probably been on mute for a long time but that’s doing a solid for my anxiety, anyway!
I am moving closer and closer to unplugging and not living up to the unrealistic-yet-intrinsically-weaved-into-everyday-life hamster wheel of social media. I let go of my Facebook at the top of the year and this was the best decision I made. The only reason I kept IG around is because of my siblings. I love to see their posts of my nieces/nephews and keep up with what’s going on in their lives.
This year has been tough on almost everyone I know, myself included. Everyone gets hall passes but only to an extent. It no longer serves me to act as if certain things, even if they are as small as the lack of social media engagement from certain friends, disturbs my peace. It no longer serves me to have you as a fixture in my online (or every day) presence but I am what Sister Mary Evelyn Lozada of The Basketball Wives Cathedral refers to as “a non-mother fuckin’ factor”. And that’s the bottom line.
In Chidera Eggerue’s book, What A Time To Be Alone, there’s a passage that nudged me to do what needed to be done:
“Mute and block people who make you feel uncomfortable for whatever reason. Protect your space and pay no mind to how people may perceive you doing this. You deserve greatness, so give it to yourself. We need to learn to stop feeling so guilty for being kind to ourselves.”
Removing what kept me allegedly safe in a grey area but uncomfortable in my own skin has been scary but necessary. I have to grow out of unnecessary anxiety and the fear of abandonment in the best ways that I know how, and everybody is not supposed to understand. But, just in case I am questioned, I can send them this post.
